For a short story, it's a long post. I will warn you it may be sad to read, but it is a necessary story to be told. I can't really move on to posts and pictures about our happy life, without sharing the greatest hardship we've ever endured. THANKS for your love and support! Where do I begin? I guess the beginning???
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I have always wanted 3 children. I come from a large family and love the little bit of insanity that comes with a crowd. Beau's family is much smaller and tight knit, and he would've been just fine with 2 kids. As soon as Bree was born, I asked him if he was open to having a 3rd? Because if not, I needed to know so I could relish each milestone as it came. He was definitely open to it, so I felt confident we would someday be a family of 5 (7 if you count the hairy kids, which I do of course).
We were blessed to find out we were expecting in July (hence the lack of blogging!). We were excited and a little scared! I'm not a good pregnant woman, but knew I just had to get through the hard parts to get to the "good stuff". We saw our little nugget a few times in ultrasounds, and it was amazing to know its little life had already begun. Everything was normal (for me) and on track.
Wade had been talking about wanting a new baby in our family for awhile, and prayed that God would send a baby brother down from heaven. He was thrilled when we told him we were going to have a baby very close to his 5th birthday. He was shy about it, but if you asked him about it, he'd say, "we don't know what 'kind' yet. we need the doctors to tell us".
I was planning and dreaming for this baby. I was confident it was a boy. I would have been so happy either way, but I just felt it was a boy. I had a dream it was a boy, and could only really think of boy names. Would it have hair like Wade's? Cheeks like Bree's? Would it be the easy going 3rd child we were hoping for? Its birthday will be close to Wade's, will they like that or hate that? How will I manage a newborn if Wade wants to do swim team next summer? If it's a girl, will Bree want to share a room with her like I did with my sister? Do we have any good family names left to choose from? Will we definitely find out what we're having?
At 13 weeks, I had just pulled out all my maternity clothes, started telling friends, and begun to settle into the world of pregnancy. That's when everything changed. The long story short is that the doctors didn't like what they saw with the baby's heart in an ultrasound. They couldn't tell us more until the baby was bigger, so it became the most miserabe waiting game of my life. This put us on high alert, hoping for the best but fearing the worst. I was so lost in all the horrible possibilities, I didn't know what to pray for at first. Did I pray that our baby would live no matter what so it could be a part of our family here on earth? Should I pray that if the baby's too sick, God please just take it straight to heaven so it will never feel pain? Finally, a sweet friend reminded me we could also just pray for a miracle. And that's exactly what I did. I asked people to pray for a miracle for our little baby. I loved that direct, honest plea....please give us a miracle for this baby. I've never prayed for anything harder in all my life. We made it another 3 weeks with the the hope that no news was good news.
Then at our 16 week appointment, we received the news we had been dreading all along. We had lost our baby. I had to come to terms with the fact that I would not be bringing home our baby to be a part of our family. I would never have my 3 children together. We still didn't know what we were having, but they did write it down for us so we could know eventually when we were ready. As we learned more about our options moving forward, it was better medically and emotionally for me to deliver this baby. I knew it would be difficult to go through it all, but it's what I needed and what this child deserved.
Beau was with me every step of the way. I am so thankful for his strength and unfailing support. I know he was scared of what this experience was going to do to us, but he remained strong. It was just Beau and me in the hospital, BUT I know without a doubt we were being lifted by love and prayers. During our entire 24 hours in the hospital, I felt such comfort and peace that I KNOW God had wrapped us in the biggest bear hug you could ever imagine. In moments when I knew my heart would break, I stayed calm. When I thought I couldn't take what was happening, I could and I did. I owe all of that glory to God and the peace He gave us in the most painful times.
Somewhere along the way, we asked the nurse to tell us what we were having. I wanted to have a name ready, but I also was worried about all the emotion of seeing our tiny baby AND finding out what it was all at the same time. When she said, "its a boy", I was so thankful. In a whirlwind of awful surprises, I was relieved to have her confirm what I already thought in my head. I can't really explain it, but it made me feel better, like I already knew him when he was alive. I immediately said I wanted to name our baby boy
Trevor Christian and Beau "agreed". I'd had Trevor in the back of my mind for awhile and Christian is Beau's middle name. I think Beau was surprised that I had a name ready to go. We're used to months of negotiating and bartering to come up with a name we can both live with. With no time for indecision, naming Trevor was easy! And it is the perfect name for him.
Trevor was born in quiet calm and peace. I had an epidural so felt no pain in his delivery. I was so thankful for that. I was able to completely focus on Trevor instead of my own physical trauma. The staff at Northside was wonderful and walked us through what to expect in seeing Trevor. They gave us options for privacy, pictures, hand/footprints, etc. I knew I wanted to hold him, but after that we just wanted to wait and see what we could handle. They handed his tiny body to me and I wrapped him in a blanket lovie I had brought for him (I had a pink and blue one ready just in case). So for the next few hours, we held our little Trevor wrapped in his lovie.
He was beautiful and
wonderfully made. My biggest surprise was how perfect his hands and feet were. His hand was the size of my fingernail, and I just loved holding that little hand. His feet were precious and my favorite picture is a close up of those 10 toes. We only took a few pictures. I'm trying to not get hung up on numbers, but I only have 24 pictures of my son. 24. Compared to the thousands I have of Wade and Bree, that makes me so sad. But on the other side of it...I get to have 24 pictures of my son! What an amazing gift (to me the photo queen). I will cherish these pictures whenever I want to be closer to Trevor and have my tangible proof that he was here. I'm not going to post any pictures, but if anyone would like to see them, I'm happy to share more personally.
The only visitor we requested was our minister and friend, Diane Parrish. She knew what was happening and was ready to come as soon as she got the call. I wasn't sure if we'd want him baptized, but as soon as he was born I knew I wanted to do everything I could to "ground" him here on earth for just a little while. I know it was just his body being baptized, but it was for us not him. Trevor's soul was already safe and happy and carefree in heaven! I have no doubt about that. So right there in the hospital bed...wrapped in a cloth Diane had blessed for Trevor, with my hand and Beau's cradling his little body, Diane baptized our son in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. There were no cute invitations to be sent, fancy church clothes, or lavish brunch aferwards. But it was the closest to God I had felt in a long time.
As weird as it sounds, I got comfortable in that hospital room. It became our temporary home to recover. It wasn't until they started talking about discharge that I realized how hard it was going to be to walk out of that room without my son. I thought the hardest part was over!!! Silly me. The only comforting part of going home was knowing that Wade and Bree were there waiting for us. As my epidural wore off and I was able to get up, I knew our time was running short. We cherished those last minutes, said our final goodbyes, and went home to love on our living children.
Wade and Bree know they had a brother, and his name was Trevor. Bree doesn't quite get what happened, but Wade is old enough to understand. He was quiet and shy when we told him about Trevor. I think he was confused and sad, but accepting of the fact that there was no longer a baby. We told him Trevor was sick and needed to go live with God sooner than we will. That has prompted the most wonderful, yet difficult conversations. Some of his questions: Why wasn't Trevor's heart strong enough? Does he sleep in a crib or on the clouds in heaven? Is he with Grandma Marj? Can he ride a motorcycle up there?
Trevor was our 3rd child and our son. He will forever have a place in our family and in our hearts. Even though I wasn't able to give him a lifetime of comfort and unconditional love, I'm thankful. I'm thankful for his short life and the impact it made on our family. I'm thankful for the chance to hold him, know him, and love him. I'm thankful for Beau and the journey that we continue on together. I'm thankful for the sweet friends and family that have showered us with prayers, support, flowers, meals, play dates, and shoulders to cry on. I'm thankful for Northside Hospital and the amazing way they were able to walk us through these unthinkable steps. I'm thankful for Wade and Bree and all the joy they will continue to bring to my life. I'm thankful my family is "whole", even though a member is missing. Dear God, I'm thankful for our baby Trevor.
A friend sent me this quote, and it is my favorite:
OUR JOYS WILL BE GREATER
OUR LOVE WILL BE DEEPER
OUR LIFE WILL BE FULLER
BECAUSE WE SHARED YOUR MOMENT
Well said. Trevor's moment was precious and I'm so glad we shared it with him.
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It's been 1 month since we lost Trevor. We're healing and moving forward the best way we can. We're still grieving, but able to talk about it. We're on an unknown road and just have to see where it takes us at this point. We have Trevor's ashes, but don't know what we will do with them. This may be the only time I mention Trevor on this blog, or his loss may be a regular topic. I just don't know. Please continue to pray for peace and comfort. We have felt your prayers and know they are lifting us up!!!
Love,
Beau, Kriya, Wade, Bree, and our angel baby Trevor
